I'm beginning to think I don't even know you anymore

When I woke up this morning, something inside me said, "today is a day you will never forget" and then I got up and went to work and read and read some more.

People have told me that I have lived a sheltered life, and the more I am exposed to ideas in college, the more I realize I had it easy--but only in some ways... I didn't grow up in east la with people calling me coconut or chola, but I have lived a life in my 20 years in a different way. I think of what it would be like to have grown up somewhere else where just surviving everyday would be an accomplishment, and I shiver. I grew up with friend challenges, and boy challenges, but I didn't grow up too fast. I am just overwhelmed with the idea that somehow because I spend my time at work in San Bernardino, that I knew what it was like to have lived that life. I was sheltered, and had no idea that neighborhoods so close to mine were fighting to survive.

PS. to Aubrey Rae. I don't know what to say to you, but come home. Maybe you don't feel like our little apartment is yours any longer, maybe you've moved on and don't really care anymore. Maybe I don't even know you anymore, but either way, I knew you once, and that bed that is empty every night beside mine saddens me more with each passing day. What happened? What did I do to push you so far away that you don't even want to come home to sleep for a while? I hope you know that I love you, and enjoy being your friend, and would give anything for you to text me or call me or come home and just tell me why you are running? When did you become a nomad?...

Blame it

I Blame it on Fox news... the loss of hope in this country.

It isn't Barack Obama's fault that all of his promises haven't completely come through, in essence it is the failure of congress to work together. Me, a die hard democrat, would be willing to sacrifice my figurative place in office to pass legislature that is controversial. When did our congressmen start caring more about their positions in office than getting legislature passed that is vital to the survival and growth of this country? When did the public stop mattering? What I fail to understand is how a health-care bill that, mind you, wouldn't do anything positive or negative for me, can be portrayed as the bill that will end all bills... Fox news has paid a large contribution to why every republican, closed minded, and intellect-impaired person doesn't approve of the bill. Everyone blames the president--complaining that he hasn't fulfilled his promises. Wake up people, in a mere year, Barack Obama has done as much as he could to push his agenda, but it hasn't been easy.

I am scared that people won't realize how vital this moment in history is to the future, and our country will continue to worsen despite good intentions. Not the future we imagined as kids, egh?

K

Random Points

Clearly writing hasn't been top priority for me lately with school starting, but here it goes (again).

January has been hard and easy--but mainly it has been a month bringing a winter wonderland that I simply can't get enough of. I catch myself everyday looking towards the mountains that are usually beautiful, but are currently extravagantly extraordinarily snow covered. I long to be there, not here away from the calm. Perhaps because the snow brings to life everything that is good and perfect in the world. It makes the complexities that lie at 1500 feet seem more and more insignificant as we draw closer to the sky. I'm not sure if there are two people on this earth more at peace and happy in the snow than my boyfriend and me; it is hard t explain what the snow does to us. Similar to Lorelei in Gilmore Girls, the snow is magic. Someday we will find ourselves living in a secluded cabin high enough for it to cover our driveway, and on that day, we will be ecstatic. It's nice to share a dream with one another--here's to the future, for there will be many more winter storms to come.

-K

Welcome 2010

I won't hash out the details of 2009 but here are a few accomplishments
I managed to stay in love for an entire calandar year
I made it through my roughest year of school ever in Santa Cruz
I water skiied to my hearts content learning to be a pro along with getting up on a wakeboard the first time I ever tried, and learning to skurf
I kinda learned to drive a stick
I made my firstreal art for Christmas

There's more, but I won't go on...

Now for what is to come this year:
I don't usually make new years resolutions but I had such a fabulous new years eve (my first time going out) that it was inevitable that I thought up a few
I plan on riding my horse three times a week because he deserves more of my attention
I want to write more, maybe refine and accomplish more chapters of my book
I want an A- GPA when right now I have a 3.49 I wish I could manage to work myself harder and leave UCR with a 3.7
I want to spend more time with my friends in an effort to love them more and distract myself from being a needy girlfriend

I guess there are really thousands of things that I want but in general 2010 is going to be great, I have HOPE and I genuinly think the adventures to come are going to be magnificant

Christmasly disappointments

Spontaneous times are these which we are living. Last night my boyfriend decided to be that guy that isn't exactly sweet, but is of he More dangerous brood.. And I liked it, a lot. We shared some entertaining moments that made everything seem right--those are the moments that keep us alive.
I found myself unable to take the path home and arrived at an old friends house and realized how much I have chosen to spend time with a few select people as opposed to the number of friends I have that I've made life long friendships with.
Additionally, this christmas season isn't exactly going the way I has planned. I have practice for the church play the only night I have plans that are meaningful to my Christmas memories. My family is coming over to celebrate christmas early but I will be at a run through. Anyone want to take a guess at where I would rather be?? Hopefully god will bring something great out of all of this but right now it is just a little disappointing. I love Christmas but not all of these obligations :(

K

Moments

Moments pass by us in this world instantaneously, as soon as a moment comes, it passes us by.

Today I remembered how glorious living life can be. How surprising a moment can be; and in that surprise you awake from the mundane. My goal is to live my life to its fullest; sometimes, we forget that as each day ends, we lose the ability to regain more time. Often I complain "there is never enough time"-- what if there is enough time, we just aren't using it properly. We waste our lives on the internet, watching TV, being bored. What if we just got up, got out, interacted--whether it be with other people or with a book--as long as it adds to the value of our lives. I am amazed at how often I find myself being bored, but maybe my DNA is engraved with laziness that prevents me from seeing the billion things I could be doing as opposed to lazing around. Living life with a purpose, so when people look back at my life, they'll remember me for my activity--what I did, not what I chose not to do.

K

Happiness is all in the weather

Things that make me insanely happy::
•tea that smells like chocolate and caramel, but tastes nothing like what you'd expect
•boys that eat your fries as if they're theirs (and no, this doesn't bother me like it may bother others)
•my boxer that literally smiles, and inevitably makes me smile too
•rain boots
•being able to pull off the side of mountain road . . .
•moments when you truly realize that you're in love
•French fries and hot tea from Dennys


There aw these moments thatyou have when you realize that something is sctually familiar. That you are your mother and he is your father. Is this bad? By no means is it bad. But... It's funny how things work out. My mom always complaining that she never gets out with just my dad. And I found myself wishing for just the same. Should we go to the mountains with a friend (Friday) or without (today--but only because i requested it)? I think with friends is more fun but alone is definitely more personal and, dare I say, sexual. Which makes it hard to chose; and now I can officially empathize with my mother who finds herself wondering when she'll get my dad to herself. Does this mean that we are destined to repeat certain things that occur in our parents lives and invariably ours? Possibly, but maybe our upbringing has been positive enough that it is inevitable that we look for similarities in our relationships so as to emulate theirs. Something I will be pondering

K