Sane, No really.

As the first few days of school went by I started to realize that I can do this, I can get straight A's if I put all my effort into it. However, I have this brain that seems to be constantly on, and incapable of thinking straight. I constantly am wishing that I could change, but maybe if I didn't just wish, and instead actively tried to control my emotions, things would work out better for me.

I don't feel like I have too much to say at the moment, but I will end with this... Trust is just about the most valuable thing one can have in another person, and though we should tread lightly, trusting in another person's love, or friendship can prove more valuable than sanity itself.

Deuchey Ex-Boyfriends

There have certainly been times when I have doubted whether I could survive the year and a half curse that seemed to be going around with my friends.

But this is just a little note to say that of all of my high school friends who had relationships that I will be the first to admit seemed like they would last forever, mine is the only one that has made it this far.

Mostly, I wish my friends could have stuck it out, but deuchey boyfriends will be... deuchey, and break your heart when you least expect it. I would like to hope that both of my year and a halfer friends are better off without their previous significany others, but considering that for me, when I think about the prospect of being with anyone else my skin crawls, it doesn't seem like the easiest thing to accept.

I feel lucky to have been with one person for so long, I am thankful because I am happy.

& for my friends that have deuchey ex-boyfriends, there will be another that will come along, get to know you better than the first, and lover you more than the last. I hope that if my boyfriend turns deuchey on my that my friends will have the heart to remind me of such things.

The Lake as a Cure-All

Well, it seems as though I have neglected to keep up with my blogging obligations, likely because I have either been busy or frustrated.

Lets see, so as an update to what has happened in the last two weeks of my life, I had a girlish freak out week once again. Which, frankly, I would rather ignore because it had me in this weird mood I don't really care to revisit. The perks of having an unavailable boyfriend I suppose.

Anyhow, so much in "Kaitlyn" fashion, I went to the lake and learned to put my issues aside and simply have the time of my life. Firstly, before I would even embark on the journey there I had to meander over to Riverside to view my new apartment, that after this Sunday will be completely home-y and ready to live in. That little set back made me drive as fast as I could when I thought no one was looking so that I could get on my stinking vacation as soon as possible. The trip seemed to start slightly on the poor side considering I left an hour later than I had planned, I saw one of the worst car accidents ever, my book on tape wouldn't eject after only the first cd (so much for mindless entertainment), and I got stuck behind slow people that seemed to be angry at me for passing the janky car slowing us all down. --They thanked me later.

Once I arrived, about 45 minutes later than I had told my dad I would arrive (which was good considering I got stuck sitting b/c of road work for at least 15 minutes), I was on vacation. In truth, the drive didn't really cause me any mental anxiety because i wasn't really worried about my boyfriend situation, I left that behind when I closed the door to my car. I'm sure it helped that he was texting me about my apartment just as the drive started, but that is besides the point. Friday was just an easy day of relaxing at the lake. It was one of the first times I hadn't really brought a friend along so I got to focus on myself and not someone else. The next morning I had one of the greatest skis of my life, thanks to the only day of flat water, and I got some great and I mean great pictures of it finally, thanks to someone with a camera ready.

Once I was done skiing, we ran across a boat that had sunk, but not completely--first we'd ever seen anything like that happen...

... Then we picked up the remaining members of our party and the lake trip got exceedingly more entertaining. With my crazy cousins around, nothing is ever dull, so I learned to wakeboard, skurf (a.k.a. surfing behind a watercraft) and genuinely had a great time.

In the morning that I had yet another great ski, I decided to take my cell phone with me to see if I had any text messages and in the time I was gone I had three text messages from my love wondering what was up, where I was, etc because though i alerted him several times I am going to the river this weekend, apparently he didn't get the memo and wanted to see me. Thankfully I had my wits about me and didn't feel sad that I wasn't home to see him because HELLO I was at the lake having the time of my life--the only thing that would ever make it better would be his presence to accompany me. It did, however, make me feel good that when I am not around to text him, he texts and worries about me. Who knew?

So the other major accomplishment of this past weekend was... finishing

Which my dad has been trying to get me to read for years. It was great, I highly recommend it for people that enjoy some thinking along with their reading.

Anyhow, more updates on the apartment, mi amor and I will be moving in Sunday and I can finally say I am ready to move, and ready to begin school closer to home.

Peace Out. Surfs Up. K

Once Random

Well, now that my computer officially has a 500 g hard drive, i can use it again and write blogs.

I spent this last weekend in tahoe, bonding with a cat named Symphony who reminded me of my boyfriend's cats in so many ways. I wanted to take her home with me, but that would have meant stealing her from out friend and taking her on a plane ride home. I realize now that i am much more of a cat person than I ever was in the past because of my relationship with people that hav cats that are actually NICE.

Anyhow, enough about cats. Of late, I realized that life has been so much better. i found myself driving to my boyfriend's house last night thinking to myself that the whole summer could have been just like it is now, yet i wasted time being needy. I guess it took a while for me to learn. The thing is, as one thing in my life gets better, it seems like another may get worse. I.E. my health. I won't go into the details, but I'm actually worried for the first time that something truly horrible could be going on with my health that has yet to be discovered... I visit the Doc tomorrow, AGAIN, and find out if there is anything she needs to biopsy. Last time I checked people biopsy for CANCER. at 19, having cancer seems like a bit of a stretch, but ya never know. F my life.

My most amazing friend helped contribute to my final step out of my childhood by painting my room a brand new color. The new room is light blue on three walls, dark on one with no more princess canopy to shield me from growing into a woman. My loving boyfriend even said last night "so you got rid of the ugly color and the girly flair, maybe I'll come over more now"... Well, he didn't exactly say that last part, but it was implied.

I don't have a whole lot more to say today, but life seems to be good, last night was fun and the number of spontaneous "i love yous" that were whispered my way seem to help put me in a better mood. I was thinking about those unmentional yearly doctor visits and for the last two (ONLY two) I've been with him, and looking a year into the future, I can ask, will that still be the case? Will my number of sexual partners still be the same? I honestly think the answer will be yes, and I say so NOT naiively, but cautiously because i can't look into a crystal ball that reveals my future, but i can guess that after a year of chaos and triumph, another year of less chaos will still lead to triumph.

On one final note, my stupid doctor (love her, but my mom loves her more) had the nerve to tell me that my boyfriend isn't good enough for me because he's not in college. RAIN CHECK, he's not in college because of external circumstances. He may not be my educational equal, but who cares? And who is she to say such things to me, has she been talking to my mother, perhaps?

TBC, K

Miss Malibu

Khloe Kardashian, Michael Yo (and his girlfriend) and a few other celebrities caught my eye today at the Miss Malibu contest that my cousin was competing in. I was a bit disappointed because I love Khloe on her shows, but apparently she is a bitch, which was a real let-down. I mean I sattwenty feet from her and never got to say a word to her. She sat there on her blackberry the whole time, which was really lame. I;ve never seen someone look so uninterested. It was sad :(

But on the plus side... Ryan Cabrera showed up and sang and I got to meet him (kinda), he seemed nice enough though he could use a bit of time working out at the gym to work off that belly. Good day to you all, just a short spurt of writing for tonight.

Scattered Thoughts

I've been watching gilmore girls all day (with the exception of five episodes of sex and the city) and I just realized where my mom got the idea of a curfew when I was in high school. I'm sure it was completely subconscious, but Luke gives Jess a lecture when he first starts dating Rory and says that he must have her home by 9 on school nights and 11 on weekends. & I wondered where she got it from, stupid Luke, had to ruin my sex life.

This week has been an interesting one, not sure there is a need to hash out the details, but the bottom line is that it didn't involve talking to boyfriend at all. Pretty much it was a complete let down and I did my best to complete the "i'm not insane--no really" persona, but it was hard to shake the fact that he hadn't called me in five days. We finally talked, and saw one another last night and I came to the realization that the next few months aren't exactly going to be easy, but they are going to be a learning experience. I discovered that the sooner I accept that it isn't going to be anything like a normal relationship, there won't be daily "I love you's" which is fine, I am taking the opprotunity to learn more about myself. I haven't been single for more than two months in the last year and a half, and if you count the fact that I was in love with a person who I was with in every sense but the relationship sense for three quarters of a year. I will go through every day loving my boyfriend more than I can seem to fathom, and because of that I will endure (one of my favorite words) for as long as it takes so long as he loves me too.

On a different note, at the moment my dog is sitting here keeping me company while I watch the GG's and surf the net. I sit here thinking about the amazing friendships I have in my life. I think about my future room mate and how amazing it is going to be to have someone that I consider to be a best friend living with me and sharing new experiences with me, just the two of us. & M, who is great enough to worry and text me any time that my facebook status relates to me being down. I'm so blessed to have a huge group of people that genuinely care about my well-being. When I was up north, my mom would send me e-mails listing all of the people that are on my team. People from church who always worry when I come to church and cry during nearly every song on a Sunday after a bad week, or family members who insist on knowing my business because they can't stand to see me get hurt. How many people can say that one of their closest adult friends is a teacher from high school? or a co-worker of their dad's? It all boils to a big fat "thanks" that I don't often get to express.

This week may have been difficult, but the one highlight was my friend Jordan that is the closest thing to a brother I have went horse back riding with me. It was a nice break that made me realize how much I love my horse and am lucky to have him so that I can bond with my friends riding horses. Good times, good times.

More (less scattered) thoughts to come soon, InnJune

Race to University

Today, I was thinking about what getting into college has become as I reminisced about my days of community service at my old elementary school. It is a given that we must do community service in order to get into college, but has it become a chore because of it? I admit, I rarely do community service anymore. I throw a five in various homeless folk's directions, donate old books and clothing to the library and goodwill respectively, but what does that say about me? I am unwilling to donate my time to much of anything because I'm in college and it is no longer required of me.

Let's take a look back at the last time I did community service (I admit I had to think pretty hard to even recall the last time I did it). It was back when I was going to school up north and I decided it would be a great idea to work for the local animal shelter. I needed an outlet for my anxiety, and I thought, "what better way to cheer myself up than work with adorable puppies." Mind you, the shelter wasn't one of those sad we-kill-dogs-after-five-days kind of places, they kept "adoptable" dogs until they were sold to an owner. No sad puppies allowed. Anyhow, So I had to go to an initial meeting, then 4 hours of training in order to even volunteer. I go through with everything and go to the shelter for the first time before my 9 am class (or whatever it was--translation EARLY) and it wasn't fun, and by no means was it glamorous. No, it involved taking every single dog you could out of their pens and walking them so they could poop. How fun? I was over it just like that. The four hours of training and two hours of volunteering were the extent of my time at the animal shelter. I had no incentive to stay, only incentive to not leave, go home and pick up my own dog's poo.

What I am trying to say is that getting into college has become a race. A race to see who can attempt to have no life better. Whoever does the most hours of community service, has enough time to come up with some sort of sap story to woo the admissions committee with your college essays, and maintain their sanity will win their entrance to STANFORD (assuming you have the grades, are an ethnic minority, and have a 4.7+++ GPA). I say most of this half-jokingly, but the truth is that I felt like I was in a race with all of my classmates. Once the applications were in and you had mentioned "I applied to a, b, and c schools," when the admission decision letters start rolling in and you have been--dare I say--rejected when your friend has been accepted, they have won the race. Maybe I shouldn't feel like it is a competition; I don't anymore because, well, I'm in college and have little to worry about at the moment other than pursuing my dream career, right? Wrong, very wrong because grad-school is just around the corner and it will be just like senior year all over again, though I'd like to hope that by then we'll all be beyond that by then, I have reason to believe that it won't ever end, ever.

Until next time, K