Snow

I can't write much because I don't feel like it but...

TONIGHT rocked. It was perfect-o. We went to the mountains and sledded down a freaking hill. So fun! More tomorrow, and I cannot wait. I really really can't.

Vegas Baby

In the last two days I have had more excitement than I think I can take.

My boyfriend came to my humble abode because no one was home. Yes, there were tears, but for the most part it exceeded all expectations. We keep planning for all of these things in the future, and the more we plan, the more excited I get. 2 years is coming up faster than I had imagined, and the fact that we are exchanging Christmas presents and might have a chance at spending part of Christmas together excites me.

May is the month of sin... Sin City. My lovely, lovely, love is taking me to Vegas to treat me to something nice for everything I've done to ensure his survival and it makes me incredibly pleased to know that he cares that much. To him I say "I love you more than you'll ever know, lets make this last forever"

Crying; Brain Function in Essay Mode

Do you ever have those moments that just make you want to cry?

Lately I've been feeling sorta lonely because its been over a week since I saw my boyfriend, and in reality I'm okay with that, and really can function on my own. However, during this time any thought of him manifests into me longing for his company. I dream about the things we could be doing, and for that matter, should be doing and it makes me sad.

Thus, when he answered the phone a few times this weekend, it nearly brought me to tears. I think I might be too sentimental for my own good, but it's really not such a bad thing. The crying can be therapeutic, and really is just a reflection on how much a care. Perhaps I care too much, but the crying likely won't cease anytime soon.

On a side note, after writing what seems like a billion words worth of essays this quarter, my brain has officially turned into a machine. As I'm writing this blog I'm editing the "is" 's, yes we must eliminate the passive voice. I think create and write "manifest" or think of all the words that I could use in place that make me sound smarter. I think of what words fit best at the beginning of the sentence for transitions... Additionally, Ultimately, Thus, So, Therefore, Though, Similarly, However--the words are endless. I must say, perhaps has become my new favorite word i.e. Perhaps Dracula nearly draining Lucy of her blood further exemplifies this fear—symbolically, as Lucy loses more blood she becomes less human, and therefore less English. I love the word Perhaps. Would you like a dash with that sentence, or a semicolon?

Perhaps this blog entry is over; perhaps it is not.

K

Fat Crush

Have you ever wondered why fat people keep getting fatter? I am inclined to think that despite the fact that they may not eat poorly, the fatter you get, the less easy it is for you to move around. I am saying this because I noticed the pine sol lady from my childhood has gained some weight. One might think she'd say to herself "perhaps I should try to lose weight because I'm on television" but no, she continues to gain weight. I, by no means, am saying that being fat is something I look down on, I just wonder what gets people to that point in their lives.

Is it relationships or not being accepted? Or lack of self-confidence?

--In reality all three are related. In fact, in regards to relationships many women gain weight when they've found love, yet some, such as myself, tend to eat less. It's like our bodies tell us what to do subconsciously, and we do it inevitably.

On a different note, the ghosts of crushes past keep coming back to haunt me. Matt came back the other day and started acting all flirty, and it made me angry for whatever reason. Calling me chica and acting as though he can talk to me like I'm single. It bothered me.

K

Lacking

Lately I have been slacking on my blogging obligations. Guess life has just gotten more crazy than I am willing to address considering I have two papers (not started) due by monday/tuesday and a million other little things to do.

Today I spent my time with my cousin, the one that my boyfriend DOESN'T like. She dragged my around Canoga Park mall buying everything in sight that was cheap, and ended up going home with an entire wardrobe on her birthday/christmas money. Guess that explains the difference between me and her in one way, considering I would have taken the money and spent every cent in Nordstrom buying Free People clothing and Hudson Jeans. Surprising since she is the one that goes to the fancy rich high school.

I have to admit something, I did that manipulative lying thing that girls do every once in a while for attention and I sincerely regret it. This one tiny lie turned into a big deal for me on my end and just didn't turn out the way I had planned. Anyone else think I got what I deserve?

Maybe as an update to my life (in hopes that I will update my blog more) I have been going 100 miles a minute and haven't had the time to sit down and think out everything that seems to be going on in my life right now.

I haven't told my parents I am taking horse back riding lessons again

I haven't truly gotten over the amount of mean-ness that has been thrown in my direction even though the people I was/am/? mad at have apologized.

I started singing in church... and no one but my new friends, family, and my room mate seem to know or care, which makes me really sad because it is not only a big deal for me to have gotten the "gig" but it is also a big deal that I am singing in front of people

My worry about making friends is officially over because of lovelies in the UCR English Majors Association & Lauren who is awesome. & makes me happy with long talks at night playing, or not playing guitar hero while drinking tea and sharing interests in One Tree Hill and above all, Gilmore Girls

Lastly, I never thought Lady Gaga could be a topic for being emotionally injured, but she seems to become one. Some of my friends (who, again have since apologized) decided that she is disgusting however, I think she is fabulous and am proud to say that I can sing like her.

Well, aside from that I wish I had something more poetic to say, but clearly this is as far as I am going to get tonight. Maybe tomorrow I will rant about boys and how stupid they can be (ones that aren't my boyfriend, haha)

K

Mistakes and Prophecies

Yesterday/Early this morning I spent my time with my beloved. In many ways it was perfect, but in many ways I had to go and ruin it with my negativity.

I acted angry that I got dragged to a place I despise, when I shouold have been happy that he chose to invite me along. I was the only girl there, we were the only couple, and his friends seemed to pick up on how much we love each other, and liked me. Always a plus. Not only that, but the sheer fact that he was being cute with me while I watched him take seconds off his life smoking hooka please me beyond all reason.

We drove home together and talked about mammoth, and my birthday. I asked hi if he might be able to come and he said maybe, and gae a few reasons why it might not be able to happen, but we were talking about february. i.e. the future. I want to be with him, my love, the one person in this world I feel connected to in a way that I never expected to happen so early in life, and talking about the future with him brings me to the realization that, he will, indeed be with me for as long as we love each other.

It has been a long time since we have walked and held hands, and when we got out of the car he decided to hold my hand; it was just about the most serene moment of my day. We walked to his house and I took a mini nap waiting for him to take a shower and brush his teeth and the night got even better from there.

Later I had to talk him to pick up his truck at his friend's house and here is where I make the mistake... however, before I explain that, first let me say that in walking back to my car (holding hands again of course, using him as balance pole because my legs were all wiggly for whatever reason) he mentioned the rain, and said "nothing like a durango and (a something, snow chains, snow storm, rope... not really sure I remember)" which was again alluding to this winter, and our future this winter. I can't wait, winter is my favorite season ever, and it is quickly approaching. Much like Lorelei Gilmore, snow is magical, and thus far it has brought me more happiness than anyone can imagine. I've had more magical moments during winter than any other time in my life, and spending my (_nd/rd) winter with my boyfriend means more magic, more love, more happiness. Clearly I could go on for days about this, but the biggest thing I get out of all this future talk is that he + me are going to be together for a long time. I never thought that by this age I would already have experienced the type of love that I you have to experience in order to completely understand, but I have, and I can only hope it lasts forever.

Now for my mistakes of the evening. He sat in the car and told me that he doesn't know when his situation is going to end... Okay, been there heard that--so I kinda snapped, I just want to see a change and it gets to me every so often, fair enough, I think it's okay for me to bring that up, however, then he said "It was really great spending time with you tonight, I missed you" and what did I do.... I just sat there and said nothing, then he said "did you hear me?" I said yes, then said I was upset and just want things to get easier for us blah blah blah. I acted like an IDIOT and now I am all upset and bothered about my behavior. Not only that but he was being GREAT to me the whole night, and I had to be miss negativity.

Oh well, better luck next time, K.

what lies in front of me

In the last week I have been as happy as anyone can be.

I made a fool of myself walking down my boyfriend's street with a jig in my step and my bra in my hands, all the while creepy lady was watching me, judging me--but did I care... No.

I had to run to the grocery store for my dad and realized that I am that crazy girl that talks to herself as she is running through the store. I find that talking to the products leads me in the right direction.

Then, I went to the lake and had what I would consider to be an amazing time, though I took the backseat to actually "doing anything" (so much for my exercise) because in the first round of skiing the boat ripped the rope out of my hand, low and behold my arms are still killing me. Good thing it was the end of the season. I took this picture at the lake and it reminded me of how incredibly fast my life is going. It is just a blur, as miraculous and instantaneous as a shooting star. It makes me realize that I need to live in the moment as opposed to living for what could be. I need to be content with the fact that the future is in a twilight zone of confusion and I have it pretty good even if I can be a little cranky at the wrong moments, my friends will always be there for me, my boyfriend is... so inexplicably amazing, and a family that I'm pretty sure people would pay to mimic.

Thankfully all is well in boyfriend-dome, but making friends has been a real challenge.

I watch my lovely room mate come home from her frat meetings and it makes me sad that I have no clubs or anything I can join because either nothing interests me, or the things that do conflict with other things I have to do. Plus I have church things once a during the actual week (twice here shortly) and I just don't want to be missing out on the college experience when I am finally happy with where I am at. Though I have friends in my major now, so maybe those lovely people will end up being life long friends considering I am sure we'll end up in classes together between now and graduation.

Anyhow, my idiosyncrasies make my life interesting, especially on days when you learn to fix the brakes on your own bike, and act as your own handy-woman

Ta-Ta for now, K