Sunday, August 23, 2009

Miss Malibu

Khloe Kardashian, Michael Yo (and his girlfriend) and a few other celebrities caught my eye today at the Miss Malibu contest that my cousin was competing in. I was a bit disappointed because I love Khloe on her shows, but apparently she is a bitch, which was a real let-down. I mean I sattwenty feet from her and never got to say a word to her. She sat there on her blackberry the whole time, which was really lame. I;ve never seen someone look so uninterested. It was sad :(

But on the plus side... Ryan Cabrera showed up and sang and I got to meet him (kinda), he seemed nice enough though he could use a bit of time working out at the gym to work off that belly. Good day to you all, just a short spurt of writing for tonight.

Saturday, August 22, 2009

Scattered Thoughts

I've been watching gilmore girls all day (with the exception of five episodes of sex and the city) and I just realized where my mom got the idea of a curfew when I was in high school. I'm sure it was completely subconscious, but Luke gives Jess a lecture when he first starts dating Rory and says that he must have her home by 9 on school nights and 11 on weekends. & I wondered where she got it from, stupid Luke, had to ruin my sex life.
This week has been an interesting one, not sure there is a need to hash out the details, but the bottom line is that it didn't involve talking to boyfriend at all. Pretty much it was a complete let down and I did my best to complete the "i'm not insane--no really" persona, but it was hard to shake the fact that he hadn't called me in five days. We finally talked, and saw one another last night and I came to the realization that the next few months aren't exactly going to be easy, but they are going to be a learning experience. I discovered that the sooner I accept that it isn't going to be anything like a normal relationship, there won't be daily "I love you's" which is fine, I am taking the opprotunity to learn more about myself. I haven't been single for more than two months in the last year and a half, and if you count the fact that I was in love with a person who I was with in every sense but the relationship sense for three quarters of a year. I will go through every day loving my boyfriend more than I can seem to fathom, and because of that I will endure (one of my favorite words) for as long as it takes so long as he loves me too.

On a different note, at the moment my dog is sitting here keeping me company while I watch the GG's and surf the net. I sit here thinking about the amazing friendships I have in my life. I think about my future room mate and how amazing it is going to be to have someone that I consider to be a best friend living with me and sharing new experiences with me, just the two of us. & M, who is great enough to worry and text me any time that my facebook status relates to me being down. I'm so blessed to have a huge group of people that genuinely care about my well-being. When I was up north, my mom would send me e-mails listing all of the people that are on my team. People from church who always worry when I come to church and cry during nearly every song on a Sunday after a bad week, or family members who insist on knowing my business because they can't stand to see me get hurt. How many people can say that one of their closest adult friends is a teacher from high school? or a co-worker of their dad's? It all boils to a big fat "thanks" that I don't often get to express.
This week may have been difficult, but the one highlight was my friend Jordan that is the closest thing to a brother I have went horse back riding with me. It was a nice break that made me realize how much I love my horse and am lucky to have him so that I can bond with my friends riding horses. Good times, good times.

More (less scattered) thoughts to come soon, InnJune

Tuesday, August 18, 2009

Race to University

Today, I was thinking about what getting into college has become as I reminisced about my days of community service at my old elementary school. It is a given that we must do community service in order to get into college, but has it become a chore because of it? I admit, I rarely do community service anymore. I throw a five in various homeless folk's directions, donate old books and clothing to the library and goodwill respectively, but what does that say about me? I am unwilling to donate my time to much of anything because I'm in college and it is no longer required of me.
Let's take a look back at the last time I did community service (I admit I had to think pretty hard to even recall the last time I did it). It was back when I was going to school up north and I decided it would be a great idea to work for the local animal shelter. I needed an outlet for my anxiety, and I thought, "what better way to cheer myself up than work with adorable puppies." Mind you, the shelter wasn't one of those sad we-kill-dogs-after-five-days kind of places, they kept "adoptable" dogs until they were sold to an owner. No sad puppies allowed. Anyhow, So I had to go to an initial meeting, then 4 hours of training in order to even volunteer. I go through with everything and go to the shelter for the first time before my 9 am class (or whatever it was--translation EARLY) and it wasn't fun, and by no means was it glamorous. No, it involved taking every single dog you could out of their pens and walking them so they could poop. How fun? I was over it just like that. The four hours of training and two hours of volunteering were the extent of my time at the animal shelter. I had no incentive to stay, only incentive to not leave, go home and pick up my own dog's poo.

What I am trying to say is that getting into college has become a race. A race to see who can attempt to have no life better. Whoever does the most hours of community service, has enough time to come up with some sort of sap story to woo the admissions committee with your college essays, and maintain their sanity will win their entrance to STANFORD (assuming you have the grades, are an ethnic minority, and have a 4.7+++ GPA). I say most of this half-jokingly, but the truth is that I felt like I was in a race with all of my classmates. Once the applications were in and you had mentioned "I applied to a, b, and c schools," when the admission decision letters start rolling in and you have been--dare I say--rejected when your friend has been accepted, they have won the race. Maybe I shouldn't feel like it is a competition; I don't anymore because, well, I'm in college and have little to worry about at the moment other than pursuing my dream career, right? Wrong, very wrong because grad-school is just around the corner and it will be just like senior year all over again, though I'd like to hope that by then we'll all be beyond that by then, I have reason to believe that it won't ever end, ever.

Until next time, K

Monday, August 17, 2009

Complex Relations

For all intensive purposes, we'll call this a work of fiction based on a lifetimes worth of fact.

A year and a half's worth of love, but only a years worth of complete madness. I don't think anyone ever expects their life to manafest into what mine has become. We watch movies that tell us that love will come... eventually. And it may not be easy, but it won't be too hard, and no matter what, it is a for-sure thing that you will end up happily ever after in the end. No one says "Hey Kaitlyn, Love is hard, it may leave you feeling more lost than when you were alone." No one mentions that it requires you to assess who you are independent of your significant other. Maybe that comes naturally for most people, but for some reason it isn't for me. After a year + of what one would certainly label as an "abnormal" relationship, one becomes reliant on those abnormalities and conforms to match the circumstances.
I hate to admit it, but for a while there I was one of those girls. One of those girls that relies on her boyfriend to complete her life, and is just overall "needy." I think it was because I was forced into a situation that didn't allow either my boyfriend (left un-named for now) or me to be a normal couple. He is busy nearly every second of everyday doing things that no twenty year old should ever have to do. I on the other hand have plenty of time to do just what girls do best--obsess. I analyze better and more than most women do, I would think about why he wouldn't call, what he was doing, why I love him, why he loves me--and the list goes on. I will be the first to admit that this line of thinking is one that is unnecssary and cruel because it rarely leads to anything helpful and positive.

Now fast forward to now, only two weeks ago was I still that girl, and probably am still that girl, but the difference is that I am learning to become like that girl from the Ugly Truth. Not to say that I am altering the core of who I am, but I am altering the way I think and act so that in my many years to come of being in a relationship whether it still be this one, or with someone else, I won't drive myself, or more importantly them insane. Very few men want a girl that acts insane like Kourtney Kardashian does with her boyfriend Scott, they want someone that is willing to let them live their own life as well as live one with you.
...Getting back to my original point, I have been trying to work that part out of me not necessarily for him but really for myself. I deserve to live my life without constanting thinking "Boyfriend this" or "Boyfriend that." Every girl needs a life independent from the person that they love, this is FACT not theory.

When I decided that I was going to cool it, (a.k.a. not call until he picks up--which eventually turns into me trying to annoy him, not text him the same thing written differently over and over--he got the message the first time and he'll text back eventually if he wants to talk, and not threatening to show up at his house unannounced--which I admit I threatened to do once, but would never really do because that is straight up stalking, do you think I'm crazy yet?) I half expected him to never talk to me again (way-to-go Kaitlyn in the self confidence category right?). Now, of course I was wrong, after a year and a half of dating No-one and I mean no-one in their right mind would up and never talk to you again without saying a world. Can someone say irrational fears?

Sidetrack :: Short story, when I was younger I had separartion anxiety from my mother, went to a therapist for a while, and the syndrom went dorment. I say it went dorment because I have this nasty feeling that you could attribute my eccentricites regarding my relationship with Hayden to having seperation anxiety when we are away from one another. For those of you who think that we see each other every day and I'm still a lunatic--you are wrong. Don't underestimate me. Hayden and I see each other one time a week, maybe two if we are lucky, after 10 P.M. usually and usually only for one blissful hour. (hour of bliss because we are together, any time we are together, I am blissful no matter what we are doing)

Back on track, I decided that I would leave my boyfriend alone and wait for him to come to me when he wanted to talk or see me--whatever the case may be. So Monday passes, then Tuesday, and finally on Wednesday he texts me empasis on the fact that HE texts me, not the other way around peoeple. I mean, Sure I had heard of playing hard to get, or whatever you want to call it, but I'm not sure I really believed it would work. Now-a-days girls may play hard to get when a guy is chasing her, but one they're in a relationship many girls become needy like myself and take matters into their own hands. I am going to strongly suggest that you all REFRAIN! Just try it, it'll work and it'll show him that you have a life outside of him. Anyhow, we saw one another that night and again on Saturday night. But on Saturday I had a revelation... Our relationship is going to be abnormal for a while and the sooner I start living for myself, the sooner I will be back on the train to wonderland. Don't think that I am not scared to be living my life so different from what I am used to, but it is an adventure to remember what life was like without a boyfriend. I went through my entire first year of college with him; not to mention the fact that he was 400 miles away and I saw him way less (attribute this to another reason for my anxiety). I love him more than any of you people out in bloger-sphere can possibly imagine (sappy-sappy-goo-goo), but I need to learn to live independent of him.

This blog is probably about my journey, and maybe about some other influential people in my life, but it is mainy to document that my needy girl persona is swiftly being stripped away.

Be back soon, K.