Monday, August 17, 2009

Complex Relations

For all intensive purposes, we'll call this a work of fiction based on a lifetimes worth of fact.

A year and a half's worth of love, but only a years worth of complete madness. I don't think anyone ever expects their life to manafest into what mine has become. We watch movies that tell us that love will come... eventually. And it may not be easy, but it won't be too hard, and no matter what, it is a for-sure thing that you will end up happily ever after in the end. No one says "Hey Kaitlyn, Love is hard, it may leave you feeling more lost than when you were alone." No one mentions that it requires you to assess who you are independent of your significant other. Maybe that comes naturally for most people, but for some reason it isn't for me. After a year + of what one would certainly label as an "abnormal" relationship, one becomes reliant on those abnormalities and conforms to match the circumstances.
I hate to admit it, but for a while there I was one of those girls. One of those girls that relies on her boyfriend to complete her life, and is just overall "needy." I think it was because I was forced into a situation that didn't allow either my boyfriend (left un-named for now) or me to be a normal couple. He is busy nearly every second of everyday doing things that no twenty year old should ever have to do. I on the other hand have plenty of time to do just what girls do best--obsess. I analyze better and more than most women do, I would think about why he wouldn't call, what he was doing, why I love him, why he loves me--and the list goes on. I will be the first to admit that this line of thinking is one that is unnecssary and cruel because it rarely leads to anything helpful and positive.

Now fast forward to now, only two weeks ago was I still that girl, and probably am still that girl, but the difference is that I am learning to become like that girl from the Ugly Truth. Not to say that I am altering the core of who I am, but I am altering the way I think and act so that in my many years to come of being in a relationship whether it still be this one, or with someone else, I won't drive myself, or more importantly them insane. Very few men want a girl that acts insane like Kourtney Kardashian does with her boyfriend Scott, they want someone that is willing to let them live their own life as well as live one with you.
...Getting back to my original point, I have been trying to work that part out of me not necessarily for him but really for myself. I deserve to live my life without constanting thinking "Boyfriend this" or "Boyfriend that." Every girl needs a life independent from the person that they love, this is FACT not theory.

When I decided that I was going to cool it, (a.k.a. not call until he picks up--which eventually turns into me trying to annoy him, not text him the same thing written differently over and over--he got the message the first time and he'll text back eventually if he wants to talk, and not threatening to show up at his house unannounced--which I admit I threatened to do once, but would never really do because that is straight up stalking, do you think I'm crazy yet?) I half expected him to never talk to me again (way-to-go Kaitlyn in the self confidence category right?). Now, of course I was wrong, after a year and a half of dating No-one and I mean no-one in their right mind would up and never talk to you again without saying a world. Can someone say irrational fears?

Sidetrack :: Short story, when I was younger I had separartion anxiety from my mother, went to a therapist for a while, and the syndrom went dorment. I say it went dorment because I have this nasty feeling that you could attribute my eccentricites regarding my relationship with Hayden to having seperation anxiety when we are away from one another. For those of you who think that we see each other every day and I'm still a lunatic--you are wrong. Don't underestimate me. Hayden and I see each other one time a week, maybe two if we are lucky, after 10 P.M. usually and usually only for one blissful hour. (hour of bliss because we are together, any time we are together, I am blissful no matter what we are doing)

Back on track, I decided that I would leave my boyfriend alone and wait for him to come to me when he wanted to talk or see me--whatever the case may be. So Monday passes, then Tuesday, and finally on Wednesday he texts me empasis on the fact that HE texts me, not the other way around peoeple. I mean, Sure I had heard of playing hard to get, or whatever you want to call it, but I'm not sure I really believed it would work. Now-a-days girls may play hard to get when a guy is chasing her, but one they're in a relationship many girls become needy like myself and take matters into their own hands. I am going to strongly suggest that you all REFRAIN! Just try it, it'll work and it'll show him that you have a life outside of him. Anyhow, we saw one another that night and again on Saturday night. But on Saturday I had a revelation... Our relationship is going to be abnormal for a while and the sooner I start living for myself, the sooner I will be back on the train to wonderland. Don't think that I am not scared to be living my life so different from what I am used to, but it is an adventure to remember what life was like without a boyfriend. I went through my entire first year of college with him; not to mention the fact that he was 400 miles away and I saw him way less (attribute this to another reason for my anxiety). I love him more than any of you people out in bloger-sphere can possibly imagine (sappy-sappy-goo-goo), but I need to learn to live independent of him.

This blog is probably about my journey, and maybe about some other influential people in my life, but it is mainy to document that my needy girl persona is swiftly being stripped away.

Be back soon, K.

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