Christmasly disappointments

Spontaneous times are these which we are living. Last night my boyfriend decided to be that guy that isn't exactly sweet, but is of he More dangerous brood.. And I liked it, a lot. We shared some entertaining moments that made everything seem right--those are the moments that keep us alive.
I found myself unable to take the path home and arrived at an old friends house and realized how much I have chosen to spend time with a few select people as opposed to the number of friends I have that I've made life long friendships with.
Additionally, this christmas season isn't exactly going the way I has planned. I have practice for the church play the only night I have plans that are meaningful to my Christmas memories. My family is coming over to celebrate christmas early but I will be at a run through. Anyone want to take a guess at where I would rather be?? Hopefully god will bring something great out of all of this but right now it is just a little disappointing. I love Christmas but not all of these obligations :(

K

Moments

Moments pass by us in this world instantaneously, as soon as a moment comes, it passes us by.

Today I remembered how glorious living life can be. How surprising a moment can be; and in that surprise you awake from the mundane. My goal is to live my life to its fullest; sometimes, we forget that as each day ends, we lose the ability to regain more time. Often I complain "there is never enough time"-- what if there is enough time, we just aren't using it properly. We waste our lives on the internet, watching TV, being bored. What if we just got up, got out, interacted--whether it be with other people or with a book--as long as it adds to the value of our lives. I am amazed at how often I find myself being bored, but maybe my DNA is engraved with laziness that prevents me from seeing the billion things I could be doing as opposed to lazing around. Living life with a purpose, so when people look back at my life, they'll remember me for my activity--what I did, not what I chose not to do.

K

Happiness is all in the weather

Things that make me insanely happy::
•tea that smells like chocolate and caramel, but tastes nothing like what you'd expect
•boys that eat your fries as if they're theirs (and no, this doesn't bother me like it may bother others)
•my boxer that literally smiles, and inevitably makes me smile too
•rain boots
•being able to pull off the side of mountain road . . .
•moments when you truly realize that you're in love
•French fries and hot tea from Dennys


There aw these moments thatyou have when you realize that something is sctually familiar. That you are your mother and he is your father. Is this bad? By no means is it bad. But... It's funny how things work out. My mom always complaining that she never gets out with just my dad. And I found myself wishing for just the same. Should we go to the mountains with a friend (Friday) or without (today--but only because i requested it)? I think with friends is more fun but alone is definitely more personal and, dare I say, sexual. Which makes it hard to chose; and now I can officially empathize with my mother who finds herself wondering when she'll get my dad to herself. Does this mean that we are destined to repeat certain things that occur in our parents lives and invariably ours? Possibly, but maybe our upbringing has been positive enough that it is inevitable that we look for similarities in our relationships so as to emulate theirs. Something I will be pondering

K

Snow

I can't write much because I don't feel like it but...

TONIGHT rocked. It was perfect-o. We went to the mountains and sledded down a freaking hill. So fun! More tomorrow, and I cannot wait. I really really can't.

Vegas Baby

In the last two days I have had more excitement than I think I can take.

My boyfriend came to my humble abode because no one was home. Yes, there were tears, but for the most part it exceeded all expectations. We keep planning for all of these things in the future, and the more we plan, the more excited I get. 2 years is coming up faster than I had imagined, and the fact that we are exchanging Christmas presents and might have a chance at spending part of Christmas together excites me.

May is the month of sin... Sin City. My lovely, lovely, love is taking me to Vegas to treat me to something nice for everything I've done to ensure his survival and it makes me incredibly pleased to know that he cares that much. To him I say "I love you more than you'll ever know, lets make this last forever"

Crying; Brain Function in Essay Mode

Do you ever have those moments that just make you want to cry?

Lately I've been feeling sorta lonely because its been over a week since I saw my boyfriend, and in reality I'm okay with that, and really can function on my own. However, during this time any thought of him manifests into me longing for his company. I dream about the things we could be doing, and for that matter, should be doing and it makes me sad.

Thus, when he answered the phone a few times this weekend, it nearly brought me to tears. I think I might be too sentimental for my own good, but it's really not such a bad thing. The crying can be therapeutic, and really is just a reflection on how much a care. Perhaps I care too much, but the crying likely won't cease anytime soon.

On a side note, after writing what seems like a billion words worth of essays this quarter, my brain has officially turned into a machine. As I'm writing this blog I'm editing the "is" 's, yes we must eliminate the passive voice. I think create and write "manifest" or think of all the words that I could use in place that make me sound smarter. I think of what words fit best at the beginning of the sentence for transitions... Additionally, Ultimately, Thus, So, Therefore, Though, Similarly, However--the words are endless. I must say, perhaps has become my new favorite word i.e. Perhaps Dracula nearly draining Lucy of her blood further exemplifies this fear—symbolically, as Lucy loses more blood she becomes less human, and therefore less English. I love the word Perhaps. Would you like a dash with that sentence, or a semicolon?

Perhaps this blog entry is over; perhaps it is not.

K

Fat Crush

Have you ever wondered why fat people keep getting fatter? I am inclined to think that despite the fact that they may not eat poorly, the fatter you get, the less easy it is for you to move around. I am saying this because I noticed the pine sol lady from my childhood has gained some weight. One might think she'd say to herself "perhaps I should try to lose weight because I'm on television" but no, she continues to gain weight. I, by no means, am saying that being fat is something I look down on, I just wonder what gets people to that point in their lives.

Is it relationships or not being accepted? Or lack of self-confidence?

--In reality all three are related. In fact, in regards to relationships many women gain weight when they've found love, yet some, such as myself, tend to eat less. It's like our bodies tell us what to do subconsciously, and we do it inevitably.

On a different note, the ghosts of crushes past keep coming back to haunt me. Matt came back the other day and started acting all flirty, and it made me angry for whatever reason. Calling me chica and acting as though he can talk to me like I'm single. It bothered me.

K

Lacking

Lately I have been slacking on my blogging obligations. Guess life has just gotten more crazy than I am willing to address considering I have two papers (not started) due by monday/tuesday and a million other little things to do.

Today I spent my time with my cousin, the one that my boyfriend DOESN'T like. She dragged my around Canoga Park mall buying everything in sight that was cheap, and ended up going home with an entire wardrobe on her birthday/christmas money. Guess that explains the difference between me and her in one way, considering I would have taken the money and spent every cent in Nordstrom buying Free People clothing and Hudson Jeans. Surprising since she is the one that goes to the fancy rich high school.

I have to admit something, I did that manipulative lying thing that girls do every once in a while for attention and I sincerely regret it. This one tiny lie turned into a big deal for me on my end and just didn't turn out the way I had planned. Anyone else think I got what I deserve?

Maybe as an update to my life (in hopes that I will update my blog more) I have been going 100 miles a minute and haven't had the time to sit down and think out everything that seems to be going on in my life right now.

I haven't told my parents I am taking horse back riding lessons again

I haven't truly gotten over the amount of mean-ness that has been thrown in my direction even though the people I was/am/? mad at have apologized.

I started singing in church... and no one but my new friends, family, and my room mate seem to know or care, which makes me really sad because it is not only a big deal for me to have gotten the "gig" but it is also a big deal that I am singing in front of people

My worry about making friends is officially over because of lovelies in the UCR English Majors Association & Lauren who is awesome. & makes me happy with long talks at night playing, or not playing guitar hero while drinking tea and sharing interests in One Tree Hill and above all, Gilmore Girls

Lastly, I never thought Lady Gaga could be a topic for being emotionally injured, but she seems to become one. Some of my friends (who, again have since apologized) decided that she is disgusting however, I think she is fabulous and am proud to say that I can sing like her.

Well, aside from that I wish I had something more poetic to say, but clearly this is as far as I am going to get tonight. Maybe tomorrow I will rant about boys and how stupid they can be (ones that aren't my boyfriend, haha)

K

Mistakes and Prophecies

Yesterday/Early this morning I spent my time with my beloved. In many ways it was perfect, but in many ways I had to go and ruin it with my negativity.

I acted angry that I got dragged to a place I despise, when I shouold have been happy that he chose to invite me along. I was the only girl there, we were the only couple, and his friends seemed to pick up on how much we love each other, and liked me. Always a plus. Not only that, but the sheer fact that he was being cute with me while I watched him take seconds off his life smoking hooka please me beyond all reason.

We drove home together and talked about mammoth, and my birthday. I asked hi if he might be able to come and he said maybe, and gae a few reasons why it might not be able to happen, but we were talking about february. i.e. the future. I want to be with him, my love, the one person in this world I feel connected to in a way that I never expected to happen so early in life, and talking about the future with him brings me to the realization that, he will, indeed be with me for as long as we love each other.

It has been a long time since we have walked and held hands, and when we got out of the car he decided to hold my hand; it was just about the most serene moment of my day. We walked to his house and I took a mini nap waiting for him to take a shower and brush his teeth and the night got even better from there.

Later I had to talk him to pick up his truck at his friend's house and here is where I make the mistake... however, before I explain that, first let me say that in walking back to my car (holding hands again of course, using him as balance pole because my legs were all wiggly for whatever reason) he mentioned the rain, and said "nothing like a durango and (a something, snow chains, snow storm, rope... not really sure I remember)" which was again alluding to this winter, and our future this winter. I can't wait, winter is my favorite season ever, and it is quickly approaching. Much like Lorelei Gilmore, snow is magical, and thus far it has brought me more happiness than anyone can imagine. I've had more magical moments during winter than any other time in my life, and spending my (_nd/rd) winter with my boyfriend means more magic, more love, more happiness. Clearly I could go on for days about this, but the biggest thing I get out of all this future talk is that he + me are going to be together for a long time. I never thought that by this age I would already have experienced the type of love that I you have to experience in order to completely understand, but I have, and I can only hope it lasts forever.

Now for my mistakes of the evening. He sat in the car and told me that he doesn't know when his situation is going to end... Okay, been there heard that--so I kinda snapped, I just want to see a change and it gets to me every so often, fair enough, I think it's okay for me to bring that up, however, then he said "It was really great spending time with you tonight, I missed you" and what did I do.... I just sat there and said nothing, then he said "did you hear me?" I said yes, then said I was upset and just want things to get easier for us blah blah blah. I acted like an IDIOT and now I am all upset and bothered about my behavior. Not only that but he was being GREAT to me the whole night, and I had to be miss negativity.

Oh well, better luck next time, K.

what lies in front of me

In the last week I have been as happy as anyone can be.

I made a fool of myself walking down my boyfriend's street with a jig in my step and my bra in my hands, all the while creepy lady was watching me, judging me--but did I care... No.

I had to run to the grocery store for my dad and realized that I am that crazy girl that talks to herself as she is running through the store. I find that talking to the products leads me in the right direction.

Then, I went to the lake and had what I would consider to be an amazing time, though I took the backseat to actually "doing anything" (so much for my exercise) because in the first round of skiing the boat ripped the rope out of my hand, low and behold my arms are still killing me. Good thing it was the end of the season. I took this picture at the lake and it reminded me of how incredibly fast my life is going. It is just a blur, as miraculous and instantaneous as a shooting star. It makes me realize that I need to live in the moment as opposed to living for what could be. I need to be content with the fact that the future is in a twilight zone of confusion and I have it pretty good even if I can be a little cranky at the wrong moments, my friends will always be there for me, my boyfriend is... so inexplicably amazing, and a family that I'm pretty sure people would pay to mimic.

Thankfully all is well in boyfriend-dome, but making friends has been a real challenge.

I watch my lovely room mate come home from her frat meetings and it makes me sad that I have no clubs or anything I can join because either nothing interests me, or the things that do conflict with other things I have to do. Plus I have church things once a during the actual week (twice here shortly) and I just don't want to be missing out on the college experience when I am finally happy with where I am at. Though I have friends in my major now, so maybe those lovely people will end up being life long friends considering I am sure we'll end up in classes together between now and graduation.

Anyhow, my idiosyncrasies make my life interesting, especially on days when you learn to fix the brakes on your own bike, and act as your own handy-woman

Ta-Ta for now, K

Sane, No really.

As the first few days of school went by I started to realize that I can do this, I can get straight A's if I put all my effort into it. However, I have this brain that seems to be constantly on, and incapable of thinking straight. I constantly am wishing that I could change, but maybe if I didn't just wish, and instead actively tried to control my emotions, things would work out better for me.

I don't feel like I have too much to say at the moment, but I will end with this... Trust is just about the most valuable thing one can have in another person, and though we should tread lightly, trusting in another person's love, or friendship can prove more valuable than sanity itself.

Deuchey Ex-Boyfriends

There have certainly been times when I have doubted whether I could survive the year and a half curse that seemed to be going around with my friends.

But this is just a little note to say that of all of my high school friends who had relationships that I will be the first to admit seemed like they would last forever, mine is the only one that has made it this far.

Mostly, I wish my friends could have stuck it out, but deuchey boyfriends will be... deuchey, and break your heart when you least expect it. I would like to hope that both of my year and a halfer friends are better off without their previous significany others, but considering that for me, when I think about the prospect of being with anyone else my skin crawls, it doesn't seem like the easiest thing to accept.

I feel lucky to have been with one person for so long, I am thankful because I am happy.

& for my friends that have deuchey ex-boyfriends, there will be another that will come along, get to know you better than the first, and lover you more than the last. I hope that if my boyfriend turns deuchey on my that my friends will have the heart to remind me of such things.

The Lake as a Cure-All

Well, it seems as though I have neglected to keep up with my blogging obligations, likely because I have either been busy or frustrated.

Lets see, so as an update to what has happened in the last two weeks of my life, I had a girlish freak out week once again. Which, frankly, I would rather ignore because it had me in this weird mood I don't really care to revisit. The perks of having an unavailable boyfriend I suppose.

Anyhow, so much in "Kaitlyn" fashion, I went to the lake and learned to put my issues aside and simply have the time of my life. Firstly, before I would even embark on the journey there I had to meander over to Riverside to view my new apartment, that after this Sunday will be completely home-y and ready to live in. That little set back made me drive as fast as I could when I thought no one was looking so that I could get on my stinking vacation as soon as possible. The trip seemed to start slightly on the poor side considering I left an hour later than I had planned, I saw one of the worst car accidents ever, my book on tape wouldn't eject after only the first cd (so much for mindless entertainment), and I got stuck behind slow people that seemed to be angry at me for passing the janky car slowing us all down. --They thanked me later.

Once I arrived, about 45 minutes later than I had told my dad I would arrive (which was good considering I got stuck sitting b/c of road work for at least 15 minutes), I was on vacation. In truth, the drive didn't really cause me any mental anxiety because i wasn't really worried about my boyfriend situation, I left that behind when I closed the door to my car. I'm sure it helped that he was texting me about my apartment just as the drive started, but that is besides the point. Friday was just an easy day of relaxing at the lake. It was one of the first times I hadn't really brought a friend along so I got to focus on myself and not someone else. The next morning I had one of the greatest skis of my life, thanks to the only day of flat water, and I got some great and I mean great pictures of it finally, thanks to someone with a camera ready.

Once I was done skiing, we ran across a boat that had sunk, but not completely--first we'd ever seen anything like that happen...

... Then we picked up the remaining members of our party and the lake trip got exceedingly more entertaining. With my crazy cousins around, nothing is ever dull, so I learned to wakeboard, skurf (a.k.a. surfing behind a watercraft) and genuinely had a great time.

In the morning that I had yet another great ski, I decided to take my cell phone with me to see if I had any text messages and in the time I was gone I had three text messages from my love wondering what was up, where I was, etc because though i alerted him several times I am going to the river this weekend, apparently he didn't get the memo and wanted to see me. Thankfully I had my wits about me and didn't feel sad that I wasn't home to see him because HELLO I was at the lake having the time of my life--the only thing that would ever make it better would be his presence to accompany me. It did, however, make me feel good that when I am not around to text him, he texts and worries about me. Who knew?

So the other major accomplishment of this past weekend was... finishing

Which my dad has been trying to get me to read for years. It was great, I highly recommend it for people that enjoy some thinking along with their reading.

Anyhow, more updates on the apartment, mi amor and I will be moving in Sunday and I can finally say I am ready to move, and ready to begin school closer to home.

Peace Out. Surfs Up. K

Once Random

Well, now that my computer officially has a 500 g hard drive, i can use it again and write blogs.

I spent this last weekend in tahoe, bonding with a cat named Symphony who reminded me of my boyfriend's cats in so many ways. I wanted to take her home with me, but that would have meant stealing her from out friend and taking her on a plane ride home. I realize now that i am much more of a cat person than I ever was in the past because of my relationship with people that hav cats that are actually NICE.

Anyhow, enough about cats. Of late, I realized that life has been so much better. i found myself driving to my boyfriend's house last night thinking to myself that the whole summer could have been just like it is now, yet i wasted time being needy. I guess it took a while for me to learn. The thing is, as one thing in my life gets better, it seems like another may get worse. I.E. my health. I won't go into the details, but I'm actually worried for the first time that something truly horrible could be going on with my health that has yet to be discovered... I visit the Doc tomorrow, AGAIN, and find out if there is anything she needs to biopsy. Last time I checked people biopsy for CANCER. at 19, having cancer seems like a bit of a stretch, but ya never know. F my life.

My most amazing friend helped contribute to my final step out of my childhood by painting my room a brand new color. The new room is light blue on three walls, dark on one with no more princess canopy to shield me from growing into a woman. My loving boyfriend even said last night "so you got rid of the ugly color and the girly flair, maybe I'll come over more now"... Well, he didn't exactly say that last part, but it was implied.

I don't have a whole lot more to say today, but life seems to be good, last night was fun and the number of spontaneous "i love yous" that were whispered my way seem to help put me in a better mood. I was thinking about those unmentional yearly doctor visits and for the last two (ONLY two) I've been with him, and looking a year into the future, I can ask, will that still be the case? Will my number of sexual partners still be the same? I honestly think the answer will be yes, and I say so NOT naiively, but cautiously because i can't look into a crystal ball that reveals my future, but i can guess that after a year of chaos and triumph, another year of less chaos will still lead to triumph.

On one final note, my stupid doctor (love her, but my mom loves her more) had the nerve to tell me that my boyfriend isn't good enough for me because he's not in college. RAIN CHECK, he's not in college because of external circumstances. He may not be my educational equal, but who cares? And who is she to say such things to me, has she been talking to my mother, perhaps?

TBC, K

Miss Malibu

Khloe Kardashian, Michael Yo (and his girlfriend) and a few other celebrities caught my eye today at the Miss Malibu contest that my cousin was competing in. I was a bit disappointed because I love Khloe on her shows, but apparently she is a bitch, which was a real let-down. I mean I sattwenty feet from her and never got to say a word to her. She sat there on her blackberry the whole time, which was really lame. I;ve never seen someone look so uninterested. It was sad :(

But on the plus side... Ryan Cabrera showed up and sang and I got to meet him (kinda), he seemed nice enough though he could use a bit of time working out at the gym to work off that belly. Good day to you all, just a short spurt of writing for tonight.

Scattered Thoughts

I've been watching gilmore girls all day (with the exception of five episodes of sex and the city) and I just realized where my mom got the idea of a curfew when I was in high school. I'm sure it was completely subconscious, but Luke gives Jess a lecture when he first starts dating Rory and says that he must have her home by 9 on school nights and 11 on weekends. & I wondered where she got it from, stupid Luke, had to ruin my sex life.

This week has been an interesting one, not sure there is a need to hash out the details, but the bottom line is that it didn't involve talking to boyfriend at all. Pretty much it was a complete let down and I did my best to complete the "i'm not insane--no really" persona, but it was hard to shake the fact that he hadn't called me in five days. We finally talked, and saw one another last night and I came to the realization that the next few months aren't exactly going to be easy, but they are going to be a learning experience. I discovered that the sooner I accept that it isn't going to be anything like a normal relationship, there won't be daily "I love you's" which is fine, I am taking the opprotunity to learn more about myself. I haven't been single for more than two months in the last year and a half, and if you count the fact that I was in love with a person who I was with in every sense but the relationship sense for three quarters of a year. I will go through every day loving my boyfriend more than I can seem to fathom, and because of that I will endure (one of my favorite words) for as long as it takes so long as he loves me too.

On a different note, at the moment my dog is sitting here keeping me company while I watch the GG's and surf the net. I sit here thinking about the amazing friendships I have in my life. I think about my future room mate and how amazing it is going to be to have someone that I consider to be a best friend living with me and sharing new experiences with me, just the two of us. & M, who is great enough to worry and text me any time that my facebook status relates to me being down. I'm so blessed to have a huge group of people that genuinely care about my well-being. When I was up north, my mom would send me e-mails listing all of the people that are on my team. People from church who always worry when I come to church and cry during nearly every song on a Sunday after a bad week, or family members who insist on knowing my business because they can't stand to see me get hurt. How many people can say that one of their closest adult friends is a teacher from high school? or a co-worker of their dad's? It all boils to a big fat "thanks" that I don't often get to express.

This week may have been difficult, but the one highlight was my friend Jordan that is the closest thing to a brother I have went horse back riding with me. It was a nice break that made me realize how much I love my horse and am lucky to have him so that I can bond with my friends riding horses. Good times, good times.

More (less scattered) thoughts to come soon, InnJune

Race to University

Today, I was thinking about what getting into college has become as I reminisced about my days of community service at my old elementary school. It is a given that we must do community service in order to get into college, but has it become a chore because of it? I admit, I rarely do community service anymore. I throw a five in various homeless folk's directions, donate old books and clothing to the library and goodwill respectively, but what does that say about me? I am unwilling to donate my time to much of anything because I'm in college and it is no longer required of me.

Let's take a look back at the last time I did community service (I admit I had to think pretty hard to even recall the last time I did it). It was back when I was going to school up north and I decided it would be a great idea to work for the local animal shelter. I needed an outlet for my anxiety, and I thought, "what better way to cheer myself up than work with adorable puppies." Mind you, the shelter wasn't one of those sad we-kill-dogs-after-five-days kind of places, they kept "adoptable" dogs until they were sold to an owner. No sad puppies allowed. Anyhow, So I had to go to an initial meeting, then 4 hours of training in order to even volunteer. I go through with everything and go to the shelter for the first time before my 9 am class (or whatever it was--translation EARLY) and it wasn't fun, and by no means was it glamorous. No, it involved taking every single dog you could out of their pens and walking them so they could poop. How fun? I was over it just like that. The four hours of training and two hours of volunteering were the extent of my time at the animal shelter. I had no incentive to stay, only incentive to not leave, go home and pick up my own dog's poo.

What I am trying to say is that getting into college has become a race. A race to see who can attempt to have no life better. Whoever does the most hours of community service, has enough time to come up with some sort of sap story to woo the admissions committee with your college essays, and maintain their sanity will win their entrance to STANFORD (assuming you have the grades, are an ethnic minority, and have a 4.7+++ GPA). I say most of this half-jokingly, but the truth is that I felt like I was in a race with all of my classmates. Once the applications were in and you had mentioned "I applied to a, b, and c schools," when the admission decision letters start rolling in and you have been--dare I say--rejected when your friend has been accepted, they have won the race. Maybe I shouldn't feel like it is a competition; I don't anymore because, well, I'm in college and have little to worry about at the moment other than pursuing my dream career, right? Wrong, very wrong because grad-school is just around the corner and it will be just like senior year all over again, though I'd like to hope that by then we'll all be beyond that by then, I have reason to believe that it won't ever end, ever.

Until next time, K

Complex Relations

For all intensive purposes, we'll call this a work of fiction based on a lifetimes worth of fact.

A year and a half's worth of love, but only a years worth of complete madness. I don't think anyone ever expects their life to manafest into what mine has become. We watch movies that tell us that love will come... eventually. And it may not be easy, but it won't be too hard, and no matter what, it is a for-sure thing that you will end up happily ever after in the end. No one says "Hey Kaitlyn, Love is hard, it may leave you feeling more lost than when you were alone." No one mentions that it requires you to assess who you are independent of your significant other. Maybe that comes naturally for most people, but for some reason it isn't for me. After a year + of what one would certainly label as an "abnormal" relationship, one becomes reliant on those abnormalities and conforms to match the circumstances.

I hate to admit it, but for a while there I was one of those girls. One of those girls that relies on her boyfriend to complete her life, and is just overall "needy." I think it was because I was forced into a situation that didn't allow either my boyfriend (left un-named for now) or me to be a normal couple. He is busy nearly every second of everyday doing things that no twenty year old should ever have to do. I on the other hand have plenty of time to do just what girls do best--obsess. I analyze better and more than most women do, I would think about why he wouldn't call, what he was doing, why I love him, why he loves me--and the list goes on. I will be the first to admit that this line of thinking is one that is unnecssary and cruel because it rarely leads to anything helpful and positive.

Now fast forward to now, only two weeks ago was I still that girl, and probably am still that girl, but the difference is that I am learning to become like that girl from the Ugly Truth. Not to say that I am altering the core of who I am, but I am altering the way I think and act so that in my many years to come of being in a relationship whether it still be this one, or with someone else, I won't drive myself, or more importantly them insane. Very few men want a girl that acts insane like Kourtney Kardashian does with her boyfriend Scott, they want someone that is willing to let them live their own life as well as live one with you.

...Getting back to my original point, I have been trying to work that part out of me not necessarily for him but really for myself. I deserve to live my life without constanting thinking "Boyfriend this" or "Boyfriend that." Every girl needs a life independent from the person that they love, this is FACT not theory.

When I decided that I was going to cool it, (a.k.a. not call until he picks up--which eventually turns into me trying to annoy him, not text him the same thing written differently over and over--he got the message the first time and he'll text back eventually if he wants to talk, and not threatening to show up at his house unannounced--which I admit I threatened to do once, but would never really do because that is straight up stalking, do you think I'm crazy yet?) I half expected him to never talk to me again (way-to-go Kaitlyn in the self confidence category right?). Now, of course I was wrong, after a year and a half of dating No-one and I mean no-one in their right mind would up and never talk to you again without saying a world. Can someone say irrational fears?

Sidetrack :: Short story, when I was younger I had separartion anxiety from my mother, went to a therapist for a while, and the syndrom went dorment. I say it went dorment because I have this nasty feeling that you could attribute my eccentricites regarding my relationship with Hayden to having seperation anxiety when we are away from one another. For those of you who think that we see each other every day and I'm still a lunatic--you are wrong. Don't underestimate me. Hayden and I see each other one time a week, maybe two if we are lucky, after 10 P.M. usually and usually only for one blissful hour. (hour of bliss because we are together, any time we are together, I am blissful no matter what we are doing)

Back on track, I decided that I would leave my boyfriend alone and wait for him to come to me when he wanted to talk or see me--whatever the case may be. So Monday passes, then Tuesday, and finally on Wednesday he texts me empasis on the fact that HE texts me, not the other way around peoeple. I mean, Sure I had heard of playing hard to get, or whatever you want to call it, but I'm not sure I really believed it would work. Now-a-days girls may play hard to get when a guy is chasing her, but one they're in a relationship many girls become needy like myself and take matters into their own hands. I am going to strongly suggest that you all REFRAIN! Just try it, it'll work and it'll show him that you have a life outside of him. Anyhow, we saw one another that night and again on Saturday night. But on Saturday I had a revelation... Our relationship is going to be abnormal for a while and the sooner I start living for myself, the sooner I will be back on the train to wonderland. Don't think that I am not scared to be living my life so different from what I am used to, but it is an adventure to remember what life was like without a boyfriend. I went through my entire first year of college with him; not to mention the fact that he was 400 miles away and I saw him way less (attribute this to another reason for my anxiety). I love him more than any of you people out in bloger-sphere can possibly imagine (sappy-sappy-goo-goo), but I need to learn to live independent of him.

This blog is probably about my journey, and maybe about some other influential people in my life, but it is mainy to document that my needy girl persona is swiftly being stripped away.

Be back soon, K.